Parents have been noticing their children becoming more challenging, even defiant. These are parents who have worked hard at letting their children know that adults are in control, will keep them safe, and have the final say. It's puzzling then, when all of a sudden these previously compliant children start to rebel as they approach 4 years old.
Not really. Children this age are discovering that they can do a lot of things by themselves. They have noticed, that their gentle, loving parents are somewhat powerless when children say, "No!" The catch is, they also really like feeling safe and cared for.
What can parents do? Give children some control. Use language that implies power. You are in charge of, you can choose, you are in control of. Then devise areas of their, and the family's life, that they can control. Maybe they can choose their own clothes, or just shirts, or socks. Remember, parents are still in charge. Set up your child's drawers so that whatever they choose is acceptable. You don't want to tell them they can choose, then turn around and say their choice isn't okay. Accept your own mistakes. You forgot one pair of shorts and it's October? Oh well, bring along a pair of pants in case they get cold, but let them go with their choice.
Along with control comes responsibility. Your child will quickly realize they have some responsibility for their choices. I chose it, now I have to wear it. and it's okay, in fact necessary to hold children to this responsibility. You can't choose your clothes at night, then change your mind just as we are getting ready to go.
Another area of responsibility that can come at this age, is simple chores to help the family and household function. These should be important, real chores, but not so important that mistakes will harm anyone. For most children, feeding the dog might be a little too much. Setting the table, putting away silverware, buttering bread, sorting socks, folding facecloths or dishtowels, straightening shoes, are all within a young child's capabilities. It's important to be consistent. The expectation is that everyone does their chores. Keep it simple, and limited to only one or two things. Resist the urge to do your child's chore for them when they forget or refuse, but also give them a little leeway. "I can help you with that puzzle before dinner, but only if you set the table while I finish making the salad. Then we can eat as soon as the puzzle is done."
Remember that most things are still not negotiable, and adults are still in charge.
